Quarantine Monologues – Lonelier than lonely?

Quarantine log – day 20th

Now that coronavirus has hit most of the countries quite significantly, there is this constant theme coming up in our discussions and it’s about loneliness. The popular belief is that people who live alone feel more isolated now that there is a quarantine in place. I’d like to add another perspective on this.

For those of us who are single and live alone, by choice or mere coincidence, the isolation of quarantine does not scare us that much. We will weather it just like we did with the personal kind of isolation we experience as single people living on our own. We are simply used to it! And we don’t feel more isolated now with the quarantine in place – to the contrary, we feel less isolated, the loneliness is less palpable, simply because there is more people around us, practically everybody, who are also quarantined and forced to stay inside. There is, now, unusually more people than before who do empathize with us, who put themselves in our shoes and, reluctantly or not, stay at home every night watching movies and binging on series. It’s true they might be watching them with someone else, a partner, a flatmate, a family member or a caretaker. But, to be perfectly honest, aren’t we all little loners when we binge-watch a series we really like? We are totally immersed in it, don’t want to talk to anyone, can’t stand the phone ringing or anything disturbing us, isolated from the outside world and surviving for hours on junk and comfort food. Sounds familiar?

The way I see it, people who, for whatever reason, live alone feel more isolated when there is no quarantine and life is normal. And that is because they feel and see that there is a great number of other people out there, who are not on the same boat with them. People who have busy lives, crowded homes and constant indoor commotion. That is what makes the whole living alone scenario truly unbearable. They walk into an empty house day in, day out. They look outside their window or turn on the TV only to see couples and families, and get reminded of what they themselves don’t have. Would you blame them if they get a little jealous too? They go online and see happy faces at parties, love birds enjoying each other, parents playing with their children. And then they take a look at their own lives, being single, living alone, with most of their friends married and otherwise engaged or preoccupied, and lately with lots of their own loved ones being abroad. Or they themselves live far from home, as expats in another country or students in another city. It’s tough not to get a little lonely and it’s tough when you do. But now that everyone is inside or self-isolated, there is not much to envy. The quarantine, as a great equalizer, works in mysterious ways.

One thing is certain. When you share your loneliness with others, when you feel that loneliness is becoming a general trend, there is some comfort to it. And that is more true for those of us who live alone. To paraphrase Gore Vidal, it’s not enough to feel lonely yourself, your friends have to be alone too.

Loneliness is sad, aloneness is blissful

OK, the loneliness people who live alone experience under quarantine, is not the same as the one under normal circumstances. But is it more or less? Let’s take a quick look at their lives before the quarantine. Besides their work and their socializing or relationships with friends and family, people who live alone have a daily routine that is cut out for one. They cook for one, eat most of the days alone, watch TV alone and sleep alone. I have a friend who told me once that she also liked going to the cinema alone. Not every time and not as a habit, but oftentimes she would even choose to go alone, instead of having to drag a friend with her. It is far better to be alone than to be in bad company.

You only appreciate loneliness when you don’t have it. Like everything in life. Couples under quarantine may live under the same roof, but they are constantly craving for loneliness, trying to find ways and room to hide out, to be alone, to enjoy their guilty pleasures or lay back. If you are afraid of loneliness, don’t get married, Anton Chekhov says. So loneliness is relative and not absolute. Even those who don’t live alone can get lonely. Marilyn Monroe used to say “It’s far better to be unhappy alone than unhappy with someone.” So while we are all on quarantine and we all feel a little or very unhappy, those of us who live alone have it better.

We are like islands in a common sea

So a quarantine is not going to break the spirit of an already lonely person, a single person or those who simply live alone. Piece of cake, if you consider how many people have been living alone and kind of lonely lives for years. Think of the loneliness not only of a single person who comes from work every day to an empty house, but also the loneliness of a disabled person. You don’t have to be living alone to experience loneliness. Real loneliness is not necessarily limited to when you are alone, Bukowski wrote. People experience loneliness even within a marriage. A not so successful marriage. There are many different kinds of loneliness. The loneliness of a failed relationship. The loneliness of a widow.  The loneliness of an expat. The loneliness of a social media addict. The loneliness of gamer. The loneliness of a writer. The loneliness at the top. The loneliness of a pensioner or the elderly. The loneliness of a prisoner. The loneliness of a monk. The loneliness of an artist. The loneliness of the first one. The loneliness of the last one. The loneliness of a citizen in a megacity. The loneliness of a villager at a remote place. The loneliness of an envied person. The loneliness of a loner.

If you add all those cases up, if you count together all those individual moments of loneliness, then the result might shock you. You may find that the time humanity spends with one another may be equal, if not less, to the time we spend alone collectively.

Yes, humans are social beings. But how can you fully know your collectiveness, if you don’t experience your loneliness too? And keep in mind, the strongest person is the loneliest.